Its been about 5 years since I became a mom and 5 years since I lost my identity as an individual - motherhood has given me immense love and I am cherishing every moment of it but at the same time isolated me to an extent from the world.
It started with my belly showing and people being over cautious around me, always concerned about my health and well being - and the same people have turned a blind eye once the baby is out of the womb. Its as if that was my only purpose of existence and what only matters to them is the by product that comes out of me.
Scene 1 : I had a very difficult labor ( almost 30 hours ) and was exhausted from the pushing and delivery. I had not eaten for 2 days and after delivery while my dear hubby was feeding me soup I was reminded so many times that I still have to feed the baby ( it has been only minutes since I delivered ! )
Scene 2 : The first time I attended a family event since my kid, I was starving since I had skipped breakfast to feed him, get ready etc. At the venue all everyone was asking me was ' where is the little one'. Hardly anyone asked me 'how I am'. Worse still my own family member came to check if my kid had lunch and when I said 'yes' just walked away not even asking if I had eaten anything.
Scene 3 : People ( even elderly mothers ) keep commenting that my kid has lost weight and has become so thin. What do they think - I eat all his food and starve him ? Which mother in the world will not want her kid to be healthy and happy ? There is a fine line between genuine advice, concern and pure sarcasm for time pass and I have enough experience to distinguish between them.
And the incidences continue till today ....
Scene 1000 : I called up to wish Happy Sankrant and all I got back was the person saw small firkis at the market and was remembering my kid how much fun he would have if he was there. I felt like replying - my son cares a damn about you, he doesn't even ask about you. On the other hand it was me who remembered you and felt like wishing you.
I have been through a lot of post partum depression and depression in general - raising a kid single handedly is a daunting task and especially for me who kept feeling I am ruining my career and life caught up inside the four walls of the house. I wanted to reach out to my family members at times for a shoulder to cry on,for encouragement and at times just for the acknowledgement that you matter too.
Yes I am a mother, yes the kid means the world to me, yes I have a responsibility for life but that does not mean that I as an individual does not exist. Even today I am girl who loves reading, loves eating out, loves cracking silly jokes .... I am well read and aware of whats happening in the world- can talk on political to social to spiritual topics. I read books whenever I can, watch movies when time permits etc etc. How I would love to have a conversation on any topic without me being asked about my kid's progress. It irritates me to the extent that I have stopped calling even home frequently since the only conversation we have is 'what new things my kid has learnt , what is his progress, how did he feel, they want to see him hear him' etc etc.
I understand that people are not doing it intentionally but it also shows what's priority and important to them. When I make a social call, I do check on how the person's family members are doing but I think a single line of 'how is everyone' should be fine. Do you expect me to tell you all my personal problems when you ask me how you are ? Of course not, you are going to get a standard reply 'we are all fine'.
I hope people realize that being obsessed about kids is really harmful to the mother in the long run - like me there will be so many mothers out there isolated and depressed, if only we can prevent them from getting there.
It started with my belly showing and people being over cautious around me, always concerned about my health and well being - and the same people have turned a blind eye once the baby is out of the womb. Its as if that was my only purpose of existence and what only matters to them is the by product that comes out of me.
Scene 1 : I had a very difficult labor ( almost 30 hours ) and was exhausted from the pushing and delivery. I had not eaten for 2 days and after delivery while my dear hubby was feeding me soup I was reminded so many times that I still have to feed the baby ( it has been only minutes since I delivered ! )
Scene 2 : The first time I attended a family event since my kid, I was starving since I had skipped breakfast to feed him, get ready etc. At the venue all everyone was asking me was ' where is the little one'. Hardly anyone asked me 'how I am'. Worse still my own family member came to check if my kid had lunch and when I said 'yes' just walked away not even asking if I had eaten anything.
Scene 3 : People ( even elderly mothers ) keep commenting that my kid has lost weight and has become so thin. What do they think - I eat all his food and starve him ? Which mother in the world will not want her kid to be healthy and happy ? There is a fine line between genuine advice, concern and pure sarcasm for time pass and I have enough experience to distinguish between them.
And the incidences continue till today ....
Scene 1000 : I called up to wish Happy Sankrant and all I got back was the person saw small firkis at the market and was remembering my kid how much fun he would have if he was there. I felt like replying - my son cares a damn about you, he doesn't even ask about you. On the other hand it was me who remembered you and felt like wishing you.
I have been through a lot of post partum depression and depression in general - raising a kid single handedly is a daunting task and especially for me who kept feeling I am ruining my career and life caught up inside the four walls of the house. I wanted to reach out to my family members at times for a shoulder to cry on,for encouragement and at times just for the acknowledgement that you matter too.
Yes I am a mother, yes the kid means the world to me, yes I have a responsibility for life but that does not mean that I as an individual does not exist. Even today I am girl who loves reading, loves eating out, loves cracking silly jokes .... I am well read and aware of whats happening in the world- can talk on political to social to spiritual topics. I read books whenever I can, watch movies when time permits etc etc. How I would love to have a conversation on any topic without me being asked about my kid's progress. It irritates me to the extent that I have stopped calling even home frequently since the only conversation we have is 'what new things my kid has learnt , what is his progress, how did he feel, they want to see him hear him' etc etc.
I understand that people are not doing it intentionally but it also shows what's priority and important to them. When I make a social call, I do check on how the person's family members are doing but I think a single line of 'how is everyone' should be fine. Do you expect me to tell you all my personal problems when you ask me how you are ? Of course not, you are going to get a standard reply 'we are all fine'.
I hope people realize that being obsessed about kids is really harmful to the mother in the long run - like me there will be so many mothers out there isolated and depressed, if only we can prevent them from getting there.
